My Darling Daughter…
Finding myself once again back home, I returned to work for my dad briefly. Because I had lived on my own, been married, then divorced, I could not live with them again. I rented a room in a friend’s house. It was near a bridge which was used only by trains. I used the sound of the train as an alarm to wake me up. I always slept deeply there because I was frequenting the bars often. I referred to myself as a troll. I only stayed with him for several months and then got a job as a waitress in a new restaurant outside of town. I rented a house with a girlfriend who also worked at the restaurant. It was strange to live in the same town as my parents and not live with them. Cindy and I had great fun in that house and I began dating a guy from high school.
I got pregnant and the father wanted to marry me. I said no. I somehow knew that the marriage would not last and felt that I could care for my child even if the relationship did not. He made every effort to make it work, purchasing a home for us away from the city. We seemed to have some things in common; he had allergies, so, no dairy was in the house, he only ate fish as I did too. But, his main income was from drugs. Every day he would roll up some doobies for me and off he would go, I stayed home growing my child and being creative, doing ceramics, sewing all the baby clothes since I wanted to only use cotton. But, I was lonely, I was left there alone a lot. It was too far out for friends to visit and I wanted things to be different now that I was going to have a child.
My mom took me to her obstetrician, he had delivered me. He honored my wanting to have natural childbirth, he just wanted me in the hospital. I was due sometime in September. The night before my daughter arrived, I started to bleed. The father brought me into town early and we stayed at my folks until my mom said I needed to go to the hospital to be observed. It was a long labor. Hal was not much help, sleeping while I struggled to keep it together. The nurses thought I would deliver before the morning shift change, but, it came and went. I asked for something to help me relax and the nurse got me calmed down and focused on the task at hand. Early afternoon of September 9, 1976, my beautiful Sarah was born. I loved her the moment I saw her.
We went back to our home in that small town and she & I bonded. It seemed Hal was gone even more than before and I wanted to be around people. I was not allowed to have even my cat in the house because Hal thought Slick might hurt Sarah. By the time she was 6 months old, I was living in a tiny apartment above my parents store. We hardly saw Hal. I focused on loving and raising my daughter.
Because I was now a vegetarian, my family teased me. They knew that it would upset me, they would tease me more. In jest, when I let them babysit, they put Sarah in her highchair and took a photo of a steak and a can of beer on the tray., telling me this is what they gave her to eat. I never took teasing well. I wanted to run away from them and my hometown where I was different because I no longer wanted to eat meat & potatoes. Fortunately, Sarah was allergic to eggs and dairy, so they tolerated our many meals of rice and steamed veggies. Our favorite walk was to the City Market two blocks up the street where we would pick out fresh fruit and vegetables for the day.
I continued to pursue crafty things, learning macrame and basket weaving. I had lots of plants in the apartment because we had no yard for my little peanut to play. I painted her tiny room with a blue sky and grass, flowers and a beehive with bees buzzing all around. I was starting to read about a healthy lifestyle and thought about becoming a massage therapist. I subscribed to Mother Earth News magazine. Everything in it interested me, especially the Situations and Positions in the back. I wanted to escape.
I started running in the early morning before Sarah would wake up & my mom and I got one of the first rebounders on the market. I went to my 10 year high school reunion.
The darkness would visit me. I felt stuck in a time warp. The only thing I seemed to have in common with the people I knew that were my age was alcohol and drugs. They came back with a vengence. I had absolutely NO idea that I had a choice on whether or not to do them. So, I did.
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